- First-born: why does the husband hesitate?
- Second child: why does not the husband want?
All men are different, that’s why some of them are happy to perceive the news of future paternity or plan it in accordance with modern conditions, while others are looking for a reason, how to delay this event or even avoid it altogether. The question of what the root of such different behavioral patterns is, there is no definitive answer. Affect education, values inculcated in the family, the level of self-awareness and so on. Whatever it was, it’s up to us, women, to deal with the nuances that arise if you want to have children. And often the wife should show miracles of persuasion, in order to persuade the spouse to have a new status for his father.
You and your husband have perfect relationships: he loves, gives gifts and protects you, every vacation you spend together, resting on the sea or abroad. You are happy together and your life overshadows only one thing – his unwillingness to have children. You are lost in conjecture: why does not he want a child? Let’s try to understand for what reasons modern men do not hurry to acquire offspring. There are several explanations that our husbands do not want or, more precisely, do not dare to have the first child in the family.
First-born: why does the husband hesitate?
One of the reasons is psychological incompatibility. It is likely that your spouse, despite the complete idyll in bed, does not find other points of contact in the relationship with you. This situation is often found among couples who, at a very young age, married and understood its essence inaccurately. They just legalized their sex life and completely forgot that the family is, first and foremost, a partnership in everything, and not just regular lovemaking. With certain efforts from the newlyweds, the situation can be completely corrected, if at the heart of marriage nevertheless there were sincere and warm feelings towards each other.
If your union has a decent length of service, and the spouse is still not ready to replenish the family, there may be several other reasons for this at once. First, a man, regardless of his age, whether he is 20, 30 or even 40 years old, is inherently the most to remain a child in need of caress, care and attention. Secondly, your husband can think that he is still too young and “did not walk up”, so first you need to live for a while for yourself. Thirdly, he can simply trite fear of responsibility. So, here are the main excuses that men express in their attempts to delay the onset of paternity.
- Material unavailability
As a rule, this one is mentioned most often. If the spouse is not ready to become a father, he will lead a lot of arguments. Usually this may be uncertainty in the future, the lack of an apartment, a car or a highly paid job. In most cases, all these are just words, behind which lies the fear of future responsibility. After all, the easiest way to say that for the appearance of a child is simply no financial means, than to look for them.
- Wife is not ready to become a mother
Some men in fact can consider that the spouse is not yet ready to become a mother. However, in reality, often they are not themselves ready for fatherhood, and admit this is not enough courage. But sometimes it happens that the unwillingness of a woman to perform certain duties in the household and shifting the bulk of her weight onto the shoulders of the spouse for him is a direct proof that the child can not cope with the child either. Therefore, there is no reason for his appearance in the family.
- The wife is unworthy to become the mother of his child
Of course, not every man dares to voice this very strange opinion. As a rule, the reason for this is that the man married. Usually representatives of the stronger sex marry either for love, or for calculation, and also from despair. It is not uncommon for cases when a marriage for selfish reasons does not consider the appearance of offspring mandatory, and in some cases even undesirable.
How to awaken a father’s instinct in a man? If the spouse is not ready for paternity for material reasons, try to explain to him that there is always not enough money, that you can wait for the desired prosperity until old age. With a psychological unpreparedness the spouse to become the father to consult is much more difficult. Talk to your husband about his life priorities. If he believes that the child can interfere with his career, then convince that the birth of the baby will not affect his promotion, because you take a significant part of the care.
If the husband thinks that it’s too early for you to get offspring, ask him a perfectly reasonable question: “When, in your opinion, it will not be too early?”. Often parents are ready to bring up the baby after his birth. Therefore, this argument you can safely use for a difficult discussion with her husband. If the reasoning and behavior of your man do not yield to any common sense and logic, think carefully about whether it is worth wasting your strength and nerves to create a family nest with such a representative of the stronger sex.
Second child: why does not the husband want?
But it often happens that the birth of the first-born for a young family becomes, as it were, a matter of course. Most of the modern fathers are happy to perceive the appearance of their son or daughter, enthusiastically rush to help a young wife, walk with a stroller on weekends and even replace it at night if the kid is naughty and does not allow to rest. It would seem that the picture is just perfect. But the time passes, the child grows up, and the woman is more often visited by the idea of giving him a brother or sister.
You again look tenderly at the mother with the carriages, remember the inexpressible sensations that you experienced while rocking your newborn in your arms, when you were in infinite harmony with the world and yourself, and those emotions that you experienced when you first saw the baby you were born with … And you ask yourself: “Why not?” This means that the maternal instinct has spoken to you with renewed vigor. It remains only to convince the spouse for a second attempt at procreation. What difficulties await you, why do women often face a situation where the husband does not want a second child?
- “We can not afford it!”
You are lucky if the first in your family has a daughter. Many members of the stronger sex, according to the biological law, tend to leave behind a strong male offspring, which is why they often insist on the birth of another child in the hope that he will be a son. This does not mean that the appearance of the second daughter will greatly disappoint your spouse and he will not love it, unless, of course, it is a normal person with a healthy psyche. After all, he perfectly understands that the sex of the unborn child can not be “ordered”.
Most of the problems associated with the birth of a second baby, have families where the boy is already growing up. But many women want to have a daughter. But why does the husband say “no”? Probably, in this case the meaning of the known installation is affected: a man is supposed to “give birth” to a son, build a house and plant a tree. Since the first item is considered to be fulfilled, the head of the family tries to concentrate all efforts on the embodiment of the remaining two. And then my wife says that she would like to become a mother again. And then in response the beaten phrase sounds: “Honey, we can not afford it”.
Many women who faced this particular argument happily came out of the situation and found the happiness of motherhood again, when they quietly and judiciously outlined to the spouse the picture of future expenses. Indeed, the appearance of another child in the family often requires much less financial investment than it was in the case of the first-born. As a rule, many items and things remain from the older baby: a crib, a riding-school, a stroller, clothes, shoes and so on. If, of course, you still planned to become a mother again and prudently did not sell and did not give away all the existing dowry. Therefore, simply and intelligibly explain your spouse own view of things.
Perhaps your firm and well-reasoned position will make her husband think. It will not be superfluous also to revive the joint memories of how many wonderful moments brought you both the birth of the first-born, his first smile, babble, unshakable steps … Men are not devoid of sentimentality, especially in relation to their own offspring. But think for yourself if you can manage, for example, if you do not have your own housing, because it is very difficult to constantly move with two children. Is there own apartment and a constant source of income? Give examples of families where two or three kids are growing, and the wealth is lower than what you have. It is likely that after a while the spouse himself will propose: “Why do not we make a try number two?”.
- “I do not want to change anything!”
It also happens that the first child has taken both of your strengths from you, for example, because of poor health. At some point you have moved away from each other, have not rested together for a long time, constantly faced the problem of finding additional sources of income. Of course, as the child grew older, some issues were resolved, more freedom arose, intimate relationships began to bring joy to you both, that is, the family had a graceful period of rest.
The spouse, at last, relaxed and began to enjoy the communication with the first-born, that is, to fully enjoy the delights of paternity. And here you are with a desire to start all over again: sleepless nights, tears, fatigue, lack of time for yourself and so on. It’s easy to predict his reaction: “No, I’m not ready and point.” But wise women have the ability to persuade – use it and pick up those words that will make your spouse soften. For example, say that the child is a child to the child, and it is not necessary that the second baby will be as restless as the firstborn. Promise that you will not limit your husband in his freedom, of course, within reasonable limits.
But before you say all this, weigh, are you ready for the fact that the spouse probably can not really help with the old strength because of the need to devote more time to work. He will certainly need rest, that is, most of everyday everyday worries will fall on your shoulders. Are you sure that your maternal instinct is stronger than the upcoming difficulties? Excellent, then convince your husband so that he believes you.
If both you and your spouse have brothers or sisters with whom warm relations have been preserved, then this can also become a weighty argument in favor of the birth of another child. Say, for example: “How I would like our child to have a close and dear person, except us!”. But in any case, do not resort to an ultimatum: “My grief and that’s it!”. The consequences can strike you very unpleasantly. A witness of the quarrel will be growing up in the family baby.
- “Deception is not a reason to become a father again!”
So we came to the most dangerous reason why a man does not want to become a father for the second time. It lies in lies. Yes, yes, we, women, often use all means to achieve what we want, and if persuasion does not help, we try to get pregnant by fraud. The time that we started or continues to take birth control pills, secretly visit a gynecologist in order to remove the spiral and so on. Some particularly inventive ladies even pierce condoms. And in such cases it is no longer a matter of the maternal instinct, but rather of an attempt to tie the wife together to a double fatherhood. But by that you stick it to the wall, let know that the opinion and desires of the husband excite you in the last turn.
That is why women who become pregnant through deception are faced with a sharp “no” and categorical demand to have an abortion, otherwise the husband threatens to leave the family altogether. An absurd and tragic situation, you must agree. Therefore, do not lie and use dishonest ways to give birth to a child, because families break up and with a large number of children. Best of all, if the decision to become a father for the second time will take the man himself (of course, not without your help). Turn the situation in such a way that he was the initiator of your new pregnancy, because, it turns out, he himself had long wanted another child. So the husband will feel like the real head of the family, thereby increasing his responsibility to you and the children.
- “I do not need surprises!”
But it is not uncommon for a situation where a second pregnancy occurs unexpectedly for both spouses. And if a woman often experiences joy from this message, then the man is not so optimistic. Yes, it happens that in this case, for no apparent reason, he insists on an abortion. You are at a loss: there is an apartment, a car, the oldest child has grown up, grandmothers and grandfathers on both sides are hurrying with the appearance of yet another baby, promising all-round help, and there seems to be no obstacle to replenishment in the family … And the husband is not in any.
What is hidden behind this behavior? Perhaps you have recently become more quarrelsome, the family has ceased to resemble a quiet harbor, and he is simply afraid that with the advent of another baby everything will only get worse. The only way out is to establish relations with the spouse, and the sooner the better. Say no to scandals, surround your husband with attention and care, perhaps, so he will sooner be reconciled with the fact of a new pregnancy.
In a happy family there are no special difficulties, the relationship is quite harmonious, but he still insists on abortion, despite the stubborn resistance on your part? This is the most difficult moment, because the scales of the future life of the child and the very fact of marriage are placed on the scales. In this case, only the woman will have to decide. And it should be approached with all responsibility.
Of course, most often it happens that the initially set up negatively spouse does not show any emotions in connection with his wife’s repeated pregnancy, but over time he gradually gets used to this idea and rejoices with it the first shocks of the crumbs in the mother’s womb. And later it is this child that causes especially warm feelings on the part of the father. But there are exceptions to the rules, when a man who does not want to once again become a daddy, threatens his wife with a divorce in case of her disagreement on abortion.
If you are sure of your husband’s feelings for yourself, then try to convince him of your own rightness. Insist that you do not know how you can kill the fruit of your shared love, because it will be just like you or your spouse, like an older child. Tell us about the complications that lie behind the abortion, that if in the future the husband changes his mind and himself asks to give birth to a second baby, you can hear from the doctors: “No, it’s unfortunately impossible for you”. And no matter how much he wanted then the child will be gone. Tell us that the obstinacy of a spouse means only to you that he does not appreciate your own life, let alone the future baby. It is not excluded that such arguments can properly influence the husband, and you will become the happy parents for the second time.
But another thing may happen: the marriage will disintegrate, and you will be left alone with two kids. Weigh all the possible consequences and with a mind approach the solution to the dilemma of “child or divorce.” Although there are often situations in which women who have decided to have an abortion under the influence of their husbands, in the end, they themselves initiated the dissolution of marriage. After all, in the subconscious, the idea that at the most crucial moment the loved one betrayed them, having placed in the chapter own interests and sacrificing health of the spouse, takes root forever.
- “I already do not have much time!”
This is how mature men think, on whom the news of the future opportunity collapses for the second time to become a father. It seems to them that there is no time for this anymore. Such experiences and hesitations are quite understandable and justified, because a child will require a lot of strength, both emotional and physical. Not the last place in this situation is the financial situation of the family, because money is needed not only for the growing up of a son or daughter, but also for their education. But the age of the father can by that time become a hindrance to earnings. Men “for forty” are also concerned that the age difference with the future child will be very large, which will prevent the establishment of normal relations with him. How can you convince your husband to risk and once again experience the happiness of paternity?
First of all, talk to him about your own experiences: how much you want to use the last chance for motherhood that has fallen to you, about the love for the future baby. Do not be afraid to express also the fears that often accompany pregnancy and childbirth at a later age. But emphasize that you are willing to risk for the sake of being able to become a mother once again, to follow the baby’s first steps again, to hear his babble, to take him to the first class … Give examples of famous people who did not fear paternity at more than mature age. Be gentle and understanding, radiate confidence and peace, and it is possible that your determination and steadfastness will find a response to the heart of the spouse, and his “no” will turn into “risky, beloved.”
In conclusion, I would like to note that the planning of this event helps to avoid the majority of problems related to the birth of another child in the family. Modern life is incredibly volatile, so do not be surprised at the indecisiveness of most families in this matter. Adequate parents understand that the very fact of birth still does not say anything, because a child needs so many things and even when it becomes an adult. Often, only the desire to re-experience the happiness of motherhood or paternity is not enough, it is important to understand the full measure of responsibility arising in connection with the appearance of children in the family.
But it should not be especially pessimistic, constantly tormented by doubts, as time goes irrevocably, and missed opportunities are no longer catching up. Therefore, dear readers, love your husbands and do all that is necessary for them to see in you those very women who are simply obliged to give birth to their son or daughter. And not one, but as many as you want and can grow.
We advise you to read: What if the husband beats his wife?