- The causes of the crisis in the family
- Signs of the crisis in the family
- What are the crises in family relations?
- How to survive the crisis of the family?
How do you want our family life to look like a fairy tale in which the classical “would sound and they lived happily ever after”! Unfortunately, this almost does not happen, although I do not want to believe that this story will soon be about us. Have not you recently, on numerous warnings from friends and family, dismissed the words: “Everything will be different with me!”? And here you are sitting opposite to the husband, and he does not cause you anything but irritation. Common situation? Then read our article to find out all about the crises of the family.
The causes of the crisis in the family
In general, it is necessary to determine what is meant by the word “crisis”. For many of us, it has a completely unambiguous negative connotation, but psychologists do not always agree with this. Crisis is a turning point, a turning point in which the old ways of existence no longer “work.” As a rule, the result of the crisis is the invention of something new, for example, the acquisition of a new model of behavior or a change in the worldview.
All these things are called “normative crisis”, that is, they are a variant of the norm or even a direct indicator of it. At the heart of such family crises are, as a rule, restructuring in the family system: the creation of a new cell in society, the birth of a child, going to school, the birth of a second child, and so on-all those things that almost every one of us will go through. Unfortunately, it does not become easier to live and survive the crisis.
What can I say about the reasons that have nothing to do with the normal course of events! These include everything that becomes stress for the family, but does not have as its goal the transfer of the existence of the family system to a new level. What kind of events can this be?
- The change of one of the spouses
The most common reason for the crisis in the family. Unfortunately, this is how our world works, that one of the partners often lacks something in marriage: sex, attention, love, care, power, etc. … And this is something he or she is trying to get beyond the boundaries of family relationships. But, like any interference in the family system, it does not go unnoticed: even if no one has learned about the treason, it still affects the overall climate. The changed one becomes more guilty and attentive, and the one who has been changed, feels some kind of dirty trick and reacts accordingly. All this leads to the onset of a crisis in the family.
- Income fluctuation
It’s no secret that a favorable financial environment is very important for maintaining peace in the family. The lack of stability in this matter is knocking the ground out from under everyone’s feet, and it does not matter why it happened – the husband was fired from his job or the needs of other family members grew. In any case, a lack of money or the appearance of disagreements can trigger a crisis, and even in some cases, put an end to family relations.
- A prolonged or severe illness of one of the members of the family can be a serious test for everyone else (and for the sick person too)
This is due to the change in many parameters of the family: family rules, regulations and traditions, family norms and lifestyle. Healthy households are forced to care for the sick, which is very distressing and imposes restrictions, and makes him feel guilty. Naturally, from such an environment the psychological climate in the family does not become healthier.
- Expansion or narrowing of the family
We have already mentioned above about such cases, when there is a regulatory crisis, for example, the birth of a child or the departure from the life of one of the spouses. However, this can be an event expected and predicted, or maybe something out of the ordinary – for example, the sudden move of the grandmother. In any case, this has a very strong impact on the family and can cause a crisis in family relations, as the boundaries, composition and norms of life inside the system change. To all this you need to get used to, and not everyone will like all these changes.
- Cardinal changes in the way of life of the family
For example, a mother can go on a diet and start translating everyone else into a healthy diet. Or Dad suddenly decides to go in for sports and start driving family members twice a week to the gym. All this can cause anger and misunderstanding on the part of other family members, as well as any other sharp but tangible changes. Each of us eventually gets used to living the way he likes and likes, and the need to change the way of life irritates any ordinary person.
Signs of the crisis in the family
It so happened that living with another person is not easy. The need to adjust, take into account his opinion, make concessions and periodically forget about his own comfort and desires – all this quite naturally causes periodic cooling in family relations. However, the question arises: how to distinguish between a temporary spat and a real family crisis? There are a number of signs that will help you navigate in this moment.
On the foreground, as a rule, comes the fact that almost all the words and deeds of a partner begin to cause a strong sense of irritation in you. At the level of consciousness, this is manifested in the fact that he “just infuriates, that’s all!”. Irritated by his actions, words, manner of speaking, gestures and other trivia that are somehow connected with a partner. Sometimes it comes to outbursts of anger and anger, which, of course, does not improve family relationships.
Another manifestation of the family crisis is the fact that you and your husband stop hearing and understanding each other’s feelings. He tells you about Thomas, and you tell him about Erem. So there is a vicious circle of mutual claims: it is important for you to inform your husband that you do not have enough attention, and he is trying to make you understand that he is tired of daily “brain-pulling”. The gap between you becomes wider and wider, and now you are locked only in your own claims and right. There is no desire to share with each other sorrows and joys, which is important in marriage, because after the wedding, it is the husband who begins to play the most important role in the life of a person. By the way, one of the partners, as a rule, it seems that it is he who invests more in your marriage, and sometimes both husband and wife think so.
Naturally, against the background of all this you have reduced or even completely lost the desire for sexual intimacy. Of course, what kind of sex can there be when it seems to you that you hate each other! It is no accident that intimate life is the most real barometer of family relations, because it demonstrates how close the couple is in the strict sense of the word. With this, the fact is connected that the partners stop following each other and do not try to please each other anymore.
The result of all this is a constant quarrel. Spouses are unable to come to an agreement on at least one more or less significant problem: which movie to watch tonight or who will bathe the child. Particularly “productive” for quarrels are questions related to upbringing and caring for children. All this is due to the fact that everyone has his own idea of how everything should be, and he does not want to yield to a partner for a millimeter. “In war as in war,” you say, and are preparing for another battle for “your territory.”
What are the crises in family relations?
As we have already said, there are many different family crises. Someone thinks that they come at almost the same time in different pairs, but this is not entirely true. It happens that the couple live together for a long time, and quite suddenly they have the so-called “crisis of the first year of living together.” Therefore, we simply tell you about the types of crises in the family and indicate their approximate time frame.
The very first of the crises in the family is the crisis of the first year of life together. Its essence lies in the fact that you start living together and encounter a difference in your ideas about everything. By the way, even if you lived together before the wedding, it’s not a fact that you will avoid it, because it’s one thing to just be close, and quite another is to be bound by marriage, which, in fact, is forever. Then there is the idea that what you were ready to put up with earlier, as a wife, you are categorically not happy. And the same thing happens to your husband. For example, you think that the spouses should spend all their free time together, and your partner does not agree with this. Here there is a need to agree and establish norms and rules of cohabitation, otherwise you will skip to endless claims to each other.
If you have successfully survived the first of the crises in the family, it is often followed by another, namely, the crisis associated with the birth of a child. This is generally one of the most difficult (and, at the same time, joyful) moments in the life of the spouses, because everything changes from the device of the family system (you were two and you were the couple, and now there is a third one, which creates a child- parent subsystem) and ending with a way of life in all details. You have a new item on the list of family troubles – caring for the baby, – and you need to distribute it somehow. Now it becomes much more difficult to pay attention to each other, and there is no time for sex – to have a good night’s sleep! Fatigue and irritation are accumulated and poured into a real family crisis.
Another crisis related to children is the birth of the second child. First, the increased workload falls on the shoulders of the spouses – they have to take care of both the elder and the newborn baby, and this, as is known, besides the joy, is very tiring. And the children themselves do not add tranquility: the first child often has a complex of “overthrown monarch”, and it seems to him that now he is loved less, and all care goes to the baby. The family will have to endure another test, and parents will share their love and attention equally between the children, which is a very difficult task.
Hiking a child in the first class is also one of the types of family crisis. In this case, there is a kind of check of parents, and of the whole system, on effectiveness: in school they assess what the child has learned and how he can cope with the school curriculum. If the child has problems at the end of the first year of education, then, as a rule, it serves as a signal that there is something wrong in the family. And even if everything is normal, this period is a double burden on all its members: everyone must adapt to new conditions together, parents should help the child and control him, and the child should study well. In addition, this is the first reminder that someday children will leave their parents’ nest and they will remain alone. All this together creates a very tense atmosphere in the family.
At one of the stages of family life, a crisis occurs that is not associated with children, and this is a crisis of monotony. The couple has been together for a long time, and the former passion is slowly on the wane. There are very few new sensations, and each of the spouses yearns for them. It would seem – rejoice, because all family responsibilities are distributed, life is adjusted, children are found in the system – but no! Ordinance and stability mean a new crisis stage in the development of the family, and you have to overcome this dislike for routine together.
The crisis of adolescence is usually a crisis for the whole family as a whole, because a growing adolescent is not a spectacle for the faint of heart. He needs freedom and independence, but really he can not do anything, because of what is very angry and conflicting with his parents. Those, in turn, are very worried about the growing child, they try to teach him intelligence and a little sadness, because soon he will become absolutely adult, and, therefore, the next crisis will come.
Abroad, it is customary to call it “syndrome of a deserted nest”. It is connected with the fact that adult children leave the parents’ family, and the elderly spouses remain one on one with each other. And if they have not been able to save time and space for intimacy during long years of life together, they will face an unpleasant surprise, namely, finding themselves alone with a person who seems alien and boring. This is one of the most difficult crises – it is for this period that many divorces occur, when the couple realizes that they have nothing in common anymore, and everyone is taking anew to look for themselves. Although it is possible to find a common language, of course, because you are so connected – but difficult.
How to survive the crisis of the family?
- To realize that you are in a crisis is the first thing to do
Once you understand this, life will immediately become easier. This idea can also be referred to as “transition to martial law”. You immediately become active, stop feeling like a victim and begin to look for a way out of the situation.
The worst thing that can be done is to silently accumulate irritation and anger. Sooner or later they will break into negative words or deeds, and then the hole in the dam will no longer be sealed. Therefore, in any crisis, you need to talk: discuss the problem that has arisen, what feelings it causes for all members of the family, what would each of them like and what needs to be done to do it.
- Go for a compromise
Most likely, everyone will not be able to please, especially if each member of the family has his own idea of the ideal scenario. Therefore, each of you will have to give in something and listen to your partner. It is better to do this in the least significant moment for you and ask another person for a concession in a more important person to you personally.
- Set family rules
These rules will deal with all complex situations and regulate the behavior of each member of the family in them. Then there will be no more questions why something is happening this way, and not otherwise, and everyone will know how to behave in order not to hurt the feelings of another. By the way, especially it concerns the establishment of boundaries within the family: how much parents can interfere in the personal life of children, each other, etc. …
- Be able to forgive and forget
If you will accumulate insults and misses of each other, nothing good will end there. And vice versa – the ability to forgive can provide you with many years of happy family life. Each of us can be mistaken, and we must leave this right to the closest relatives and friends.
- Down with the templates!
Any woman, most likely, has in her head a picture depicting how everything should be in a family relationship: an ideal job, a husband, children, a family. But it is very likely that the reality is pretty much deviates from this picture, and this is natural, because it is very complex and multidimensional. And if you cling to your templates, and most importantly – to try to squeeze others into this framework, it will be painful and difficult for everyone. Therefore, if you do not want quarrels and scandals, you should abandon your own picture and try to draw a joint picture – but what if you like it even more?
- Listen to yourself
In the family there must be a balance: each is equally invested and receives as much. And if the whole system revolves around someone – for example, husband and father – then all the rest of its members have a very hard time. It is worth listening to yourself and sometimes embodying in life what you want, but just as other members of your family can do.
- Remember the good
If it is completely bad and you feel that nothing good has happened between you, then try to extract such facts from the past. Surely between you and your husband there was a mass of all kind and bright: walks under the moon, searches for strawberries at three o’clock in the morning, joint births and much more. Try regularly remembering at least a few of these things, and you will become much easier to understand and forgive your own spouse.
Remember that the output can be found from almost any difficult situation. The crisis of the family is no exception. Of course, when you are in it, it seems to you that everything is hopeless, but it is necessary to go beyond the situation and try to take it a little abstractly, as it will become much easier for you. And, by the way, the victim’s position is the least pleasant, and the position of the person responsible for what is happening (at least part of it) is the most positive. If at some point you become very hard, you can always resort to the help of a family counselor psychologist – he is able to help couples solve the most difficult problems. Finally, I want to say that love will win everything, and if you have it, then to you, by and large, nothing is scary.
We advise you to read: How to overcome the crisis of relations