“I do not like my child.” This thought seems absolutely wild and ridiculous for most mothers, because the child is the most important in the life of every woman. However, family psychologists confidently assert that at least once in a lifetime this thought was visited by most of even the best mothers. Another thing is that almost every woman immediately drove away from herself this absolutely unnatural in their opinion thought at the very beginning of its inception, when it is still at the level of the subconscious. The woman does not even have time to realize: I do not like my child.
Sometimes a woman still with horror realizes that for some fraction of a second it seemed that she does not love her child. However, in this case, any mom quickly drives her away from herself, convincing herself that she simply adores her child, and does everything that is possible for him, and even more.
And this is not at all surprising – in fact there is a persistent concept in society that maternal love is an unconditional phenomenon that is present in any normal woman. And if society is already accustomed to socially disadvantaged women, then it is simply impossible for a normal woman to dislike her child.
Yes, and the woman herself, who caught herself at least once in my life thinking – I do not like my child, I feel extremely oppressive feelings: fear, shame, confusion, guilt. Also, in almost all cases, a woman very much hates herself, blames herself for being unable to love her own child. As a result, a woman’s life turns into a total hell, making her life unbearable. In the event that a woman at this stage does not receive proper qualified assistance, to a nervous breakdown to give.
And the woman perfectly understands that those feelings, which she feels in relation to the child – are absolutely unnatural. So, and to admit to someone that she does not love her child, a woman can not. And to keep all these negative emotions in yourself is very difficult, and for a long time it will not be possible. What should a woman do in this situation?
Some women, not daring to share their fears and fears in real life, try to find help on the Internet. However, even on the Internet, where, in principle, anonymity is not such a problem, it is not customary to talk about such a phenomenon. It is worth desperate woman to create a topic on the forum, as she immediately removed the moderators, at best. And at worst – a woman to get into his address a bunch of angry exclamations, which clearly only exacerbate her emotional turmoil.
And the woman continues to remain silent, tormented by feelings of inferiority, guilt in front of her child and surrounding people, playing the role of an exemplary mother and at the same time burdened by the presence of her child. However, fortunately or unfortunately, it is almost impossible to deceive the child – and the baby will very quickly feel the falsity on the part of the mother. For a child, this also does not turn out to be anything good. As a result, the whole family suffers, and the child first. And the woman again and again convinces herself that she loves her child.
Fiction or reality?
So, does it happen that an absolutely normal, adequate mother does not love her child, in fact? According to psychologists – it happens. And it happens quite often – much more often than you can imagine. The reasons for such dislike for your child can be a huge number. However, we will only talk about the main of them, which are found most often.
- Newborn children
It is believed that the maternal instinct is something unconditional, inherent in every woman by definition. However, this is not so – very many women in the first days or even months can not look at their child. Although, of course, almost all this is very carefully concealed, so as not to be condemned by relatives and friends. Incidentally, this is the state of a woman is often called generic depression. Although not always psychologists manage to get to the bottom of the real causes of the problem, because women rarely confess that they do not love the newly emerged crumbs.
However, in fact, this is not at all embarrassing – maternal love does not always appear as if by magic. Sometimes a woman needs some time to realize the very fact of her motherhood, to understand and accept her child. Sometimes it takes a few seconds, sometimes a few days, and sometimes a few months. And this does not mean that this woman will be a worse mother than any other, who fell in love with her baby before he was born. This is approximately like learning to read – some of the kids can read in four years, and someone gets acquainted with letters only in the first grade. And in the end, by the fifth they will read absolutely the same.
There are several main reasons why a woman may not have enough love for her child. Maybe the pregnancy was unplanned, destroying all life plans of a woman, and maybe – from an unloved person. In this case, the woman needs some time to make sure that the newborn baby can quite well become a worthy substitute for what the woman has lost – study or career, or that the kid did not become worse because she got spoiled relationship with the father.
Also, quite often a woman may not feel love for her newborn child in the event that pregnancy or childbirth has been extremely difficult. In such a case, a woman at the subconscious level can consider the crumb of the origin of her torment. And this occurs very often, it’s just that a woman either does not realize this at all, or refuses to admit it even to herself.
However, the fact remains – even to look at a child for a woman for the first time after childbirth does not want to, let alone to love him. However, nature is very wise – much wiser than us, people. She made sure that the negative memories of pregnancy and childbirth were erased from the memory of a woman as quickly as possible. Very soon the very idea – I do not like my child – will terrify a woman.
And as the erasure of the memory of these events maternal love will certainly make itself felt. Just a woman needs to have patience and wait a little, and not reproach herself for being a bad mother. At this time, in no case should not abandon any help from relatives and friends.
In addition, sometimes a woman may not experience maternal love because she feels frustrated. Yes – yes, do not be surprised – there are such, and often enough. The woman expects that she will be born charming karapuz, as if from a picture of a children’s magazine. But in fact, newborn children are not always in the first weeks of their lives, they are a standard of infant beauty.
And if you say more precisely – almost never. And it’s not at all surprising – for the child the birth is no less severe, stressful and traumatic process than for a woman. Passage through the birth canal in any case makes itself felt – the shape of the head changes, there may be swelling of the eyes, swelling of the whole face and body, bruises, bruises and other “delights”.
A woman should remember this and do not expect immediately unearthly beauty from her crumbs. But it will not be long and your baby will be the most beautiful in the world. And now, believe me, most likely, your emotions are owned by the same postpartum depression, which found its way out in such an unusual way. Passion postpartum depression – all negative thoughts and emotions will disappear.
- Overactive child
Sometimes a woman can catch herself thinking that she does not like her overly active child. And to some extent it can be understood – an overly active child almost never sits in one place, except perhaps at the time when he is sleeping. A woman does not have a minute of free time, because such a child needs constant vigilant control. Otherwise, and to the point of trouble near – is it not enough that a wild-goose can come to mind?
But the fact that a woman is the mother of an overly active and fast child, does not remove from her all other duties – cooking, cleaning and everything else. And if a woman is still working – to imagine the level of its load in general is very, very difficult. The woman begins to get angry at the whole world around her – including the child. And she begins to feel that she does not love her child.
It starts to irritate the child absolutely everything – his actions, words, gestures, from himself can lead absolutely any trifle, even a glance. A woman can explode even from a very insignificant child’s fault, scream at him, even strike. But at the same time, she is perfectly aware that in this way she can not act in any way, but from this she starts to get angry even more, subconsciously blaming the child for this, and even more breaking down on him. It turns out a kind of vicious circle, which alone, without help, to break sometimes a woman simply can not.
But what kind of help a woman will need depends on how far the situation has gone in each particular case. Sometimes a woman has enough help from a friend or relatives who will take care of the child for herself for a few hours a week, giving her the opportunity to give her a little time – to go to the cinema, a hairdresser’s or simply go shopping. Sometimes only a few free hours a week can drastically change the situation.
And sometimes, if a woman has passed a certain critical feature, even a housekeeper and a nanny can not save the situation – a woman will continue to feel dislike towards her child. And the only way to restore the broken balance will be professional help from psychologists. As a rule, in this situation, there is no question of any lack of love for the child – his mother loves him. She’s just so tired that she can not see anything beyond her tiredness, except her irritation.
- Excessively “right” child
Of course, all parents want their child to grow up smart, honest, fair, obedient. However, sometimes it happens that this is the kind of child that starts annoying his mother. It would seem that it is completely incomprehensible why an ideal child can evoke negative emotions from his parents and his mother in particular.
However, psychologists explain this phenomenon by the fact that often adults, seeing impeccable behavior, and most importantly thinking of the child, begin to experience a certain sense of guilt – they are not like that! However, never any adult person confesses to this even to himself, not to mention extraneous people, even psychologists. And a similar child grows like a kind of mute reminder to its parents about their own imperfections and shortcomings.
- A child of adolescence
But a child who has entered such a difficult teenage age, most often causes his parents a variety of conflicting negative emotions. And it is not surprising – sometimes the most obedient child becomes an absolutely uncontrollable being, which parents completely cease to understand. Moreover, very often parents come to a standstill and simply do not understand what to do next, experiencing real despair and impotence.
This is for this impotence and there can be so much anger at your own child that mom can catch herself thinking that she no longer loves the child. Yes, quite often the child himself pours oil on the fire, telling the mother that he no longer loves her. It goes without saying that a woman suffers a strong resentment when she heard such words from her child, whom she had given all her love, tenderness, affection and care for many years.
Agree that the constant conflicts of such a plan can at least get someone out of themselves. And in a state of stress, it is quite difficult for a person to control their emotions, and even more so to understand them. And as a result, there is nothing surprising in the fact that a woman can decide that she does not love her child. Of course, the child also feels the attitude of his parents changed to him. And also begins to protest against this. As a rule, in adolescence, almost all children without exception, the protest takes the form of negative behavior, which, in turn, angers parents and further exacerbates the situation.
In such cases, as a rule, the experienced family psychologist can help the parents and the child to cope with the crisis that has arisen. Pay attention – not a child or an adult, namely a family one, because help in such situations is necessary not only for the child, but also for his parents.
It is by no means inadmissible to ignore these problems, and to let the situation run its course. Otherwise, you completely lose mutual understanding, and even more so, any influence on your child. Very soon, he will grow up, and spoiled relationships for the rest of his life, most likely, in such families are guaranteed.
What to do?
So, as you could already be convinced, often for the lack of love for your child, parents take completely different feelings. Of course. There are also cases in which maternal love is not at all in fact, but we will talk about them a little lower. In the meantime, let’s try to understand how to behave further.
So, you began to notice that your child began to annoy you, perhaps, at times, he is even capable of causing you a feeling of hatred, for example, when he can not cope with elementary homework, brings another deuce from school, can not understand. What do you demand or be rude of? Such feelings are probably very familiar to most parents.
And the most unpleasant thing in this situation is that the mother and father do not understand at all how to behave in this situation. They tear off their evil on the child – they scream and punish him, but at the same time, somewhere deep down, they realize that their tactics of behavior are wrong, and in advance doomed to failure. And because of this, feeling their impotence, adults are angry even more.
Often very many parents make the same common mistake – they seek help from like-minded people who are as confused and do not know how to behave in such a situation. And they find, without much difficulty, the same parents who completely and completely share their righteous anger. However, from complaints over a cup of coffee, there is hardly anything that can change. Just miss the time, and the problem will only get deeper.
And if the mother has the courage to admit that she no longer loves her child, and it does not matter, only by periods, in moments of violent attacks of anger, or for some time, she can be called a truly brave woman. Such an act can be decided only by really strong personalities.
That’s just, unfortunately, almost none of these women do not guess, or dare not go to a psychologist because of fear of condemnation. As a rule, at most, what parents do in such cases – this is sent to the store or to the Internet in search of various information concerning the development and upbringing of the child.
And they will in fact find a huge amount of the most diverse information – about health, its possible diseases, about the development of the child from his very conception and up to adulthood, about problems of transitional age, about possible conflicts in the interpersonal relations of children, about the first love, smoking and drugs. In a word, almost everything except what you really need. And this is not surprising at all – because it is not accepted to talk about the absence of parental love, not what to write.
Moreover, often, having read various good, intelligent and correct books, which describe in great detail what ideally should be the actions of the parents in that or situation, parents begin to experience a very serious sense of guilt. After all, they did not always do as the authors of all this pedagogical literature advise. And in fact really – very often parents perfectly know all those advice given in such situations by teachers. However, out of a flash of anger and rage are so strong that in practice their knowledge to moms and dads is not possible.
How will it call, and will respond?
For sure, all without exception hundreds of times heard this proverb. And it perfectly reflects the existing problems in the relationship between parents and children. That’s just a hint to the children of what happened to their parents, when they themselves were small. At first glance, everything seems complicated and confusing – but it’s not at all, it’s very simple. And now we’ll try to figure it all out.
Adult people, terrified of catching themselves thinking that they do not like their child, begin to suffer severe remorse about the fact that they are very bad father or mother, they experience that their child is much worse than all other children, although often it is not this way. Parents are ashamed of themselves, others, they may feel guilty about the child because they never managed to become the most ideal parents. Although, as a rule, all parents try to give their child all the best, and even more than they themselves had in childhood.
And here – attention, we come to the most basic and delicate moment. You can buy your child much more expensive clothes or toys than you had in your time, give more pocket money or personal freedom than you had. But you can never, with all your great desire, give the child more love than you did. However, you need a small reservation – you can not do this only if you do not recognize the act that at some point in your childhood you did not have enough parental attention and love.
Do not rush to resent and resent – no one blames your parents for not loving you enough. But the realities of life of that difficult time left their imprint – parents, for the most part, almost all the time spent at work to ensure a decent standard of living for their children. And as a result, children with a very high percentage of likelihood lost a certain amount of love and parental affection. And as a result, they and their children at all desire can not give it, simply because they do not know how.
Dislike or irritation?
In addition, very often parents who believe that they do not love their child, in fact, simply can not understand their feelings, confusing one with another. And in particular – dislike for your child with the most common annoyance, or anger.
The first thing that adults around the child should understand is the fact that irritation, anger, and even outright rage are absolutely natural and have the right to exist emotions. And do not be shy – it is much wiser to learn how to independently give them a way out that does not harm either you, the child, or anyone else from the people around you. Everyone has the right to make mistakes, including parents. And this right must be recognized and sought for possible compromises.
During outbursts of anger and irritation, an adult should remember that first of all he is angry not at the child, but at himself. If the child is too big, and yet unable to understand your words, during the next burst of negative emotions, try to get out of the room in which the child is. And do not go back there until you are calm and do not feel that you are in a position to completely control your emotions.
If your child is big enough to understand you, do not try to pretend that everything is fine with you – he will still notice falseness. It is much more sensible to tell a child that you are really angry, but not at all. Any child, knowing this, will transfer your outbursts of negative emotions much easier.
Once again I would like to emphasize the fact that you should never try to keep your emotions in yourself, because in this case serious problems are possible – nervous breakdowns, psychoses, splash of emotions in a form dangerous to others. In any case, sooner or later serious trouble will be provided to you.
How to throw out negative emotions, everyone should understand himself. For some, the best way out will be a boxing pear that can be knocked off from the heart, for someone – an old newspaper that can be torn into small pieces, and for someone – homework. Feel irritated – always give him a way out. And you will notice significant improvements yourself – flashes of irritation will get shorter, and their frequency will also decrease.
The most important thing you need to constantly remind yourself is that your child is absolutely not at fault in your bad mood. Try to convince yourself that it is the behavior of your child that irritates you, but not himself. And he is sure to talk about it – in a similar way you will protect the child from many psychological problems.
And in the event that for some reason you still did not manage to keep your negative emotions, do not pretend that nothing happened at all. Be sure to discuss the situation with the child, apologize, say that you regret that it happened, and continue to try to control your emotions.
Be sure to recognize your right to rest, especially your mother. In almost all cases, a woman who has become a mother, thinks about herself and her rest at the very last. Simply put – she does not think at all. However, this line of behavior is doomed to failure in advance – bad state of health and nervous breakdowns. The need for a full normal rest in a person is inherent in nature itself.
And if a woman does not rest to the fullest, complications can be very likely. And a bad mood, neuroses and other – not a complete list. Often, as a result of severe fatigue, the work of the immune system of the female body is significantly worsened, as a result of which a woman begins to get sick. And the diseases can be very different – from banal colds to the development of tumors.
In addition, do not deny yourself absolutely everything. Of course, the interests of the child should always be respected, but one should not forget about oneself either. Otherwise, the child will also grow with a persistent awareness that mom and dad do not need anything. And in this situation, the child is guaranteed to grow selfish, which in no way will help to strengthen good relationships between parents and children.
Be sure to strictly limit the scope of the child’s allowance. The absence of such a framework is misleading, both the child himself and their parents, greatly complicating the lives of both of them. Once explaining to the child what you can and can not do, never and under no circumstances change your principles. Otherwise, the child will almost always try to go beyond this framework, as a result of which conflicts are unavoidable.
The only exception to this rule is the regime of the day. Sometimes you can break it for the sake of some out of the way event – a trip to the cinema, a holiday or even just like that. However, make sure that these exceptions do not become the rule. The regime of the day is very, very important for the child, and even for an adult – he teaches to be organized and organized, which is a very important plus for his future life.
The ideal child is a myth or a reality?
Of course, almost all parents dream that their child will be the very perfection, the ideal. However, as you know, ideal people do not exist in principle. And as the child grows up, parents will certainly notice those or other traits of character and behavior that do not meet their expectations. As a result, parents, and especially women, who are more prone to idealization, may be quite disappointed.
In order to avoid this, parents must, from the very first day of a child’s life, realize that he is exactly the same person as they are. And most importantly – to recognize the child’s right to make mistakes and to mismatch your ideal. In addition, do not forget that the child is just a child, and he can not know about all social norms. And to teach the child the rules of life in society is the paramount task of parents.
In advance, in a calm and balanced state, think about how to behave the most correctly in one or another problem situation. Of course, it is impossible to foresee and envisage all conflicts, very often we will have to act in a specific situation. However, very often conflicts are inflaming because of the same reasons that are not a secret for parents.
And, incidentally – very often parents beat like a fish on the ice, forbidding the child anything. So. For example, you can often see a small child, desperately sobbing because his mother or father forbids him to eat snow. And this situation can happen with unenviable regularity – every day throughout the winter. Child psychologists and teachers in such a situation advise to allow the baby to eat the snow from the heart, once – as a rule, after that no child will ever want to do it again.
And a similar method can eradicate a very large number of conflict situations and occasions for whims. So, the reasons for the hassle of parents will be several times less. And the baby will have to be pulled much less often, which is also important. The only thing that should be strictly monitored is that the child does not harm himself during these “experiments”.
And if all the same there is no love?
Unfortunately, but no matter how strange this may seem at first glance, sometimes there are cases when the mother does not really love her child, although, fortunately, it is rare enough. Why is this happening and is it normal? Let’s try to figure this out.
All of us from childhood have been taught to love their parents, the Motherland, the Party – but what is little else … However, not all experience this most “holy” love. And why is the love for the child to be in all cases the option “by default”? Sometimes it happens that a woman experiences disappointment from the birth of a child, or did not initially want his birth.
Of course, one can foresee a whole stream of violent objections, that in such cases it was not necessary to give birth to the child at all. But for sure we all do at least once in our life what we regret later. Therefore, you just need to take for granted that the child was born. And a woman in this case may not like him.
Of course, this seems to be a wild overwhelming number of people. But is it really strange? Look around – thousands of men leave the family and completely forget about their children. But for some reason, it does not surprise anyone, as it has become practically the norm. So why at least some women can not do the same?
You can, of course, say that a woman has been carrying her child for nine months, and the maternal instinct is one of the strongest in a person. So it is so, but not always for a woman, pregnancy is the happiest period in life – discomfort, malaise, birth pain is unlikely to anyone like. Yes, and instincts very often sleep soundly, giving way to the arguments of reason.
Yes, and it is quite difficult to talk about the imaginary unconditioning of maternal love. Is it a woman to love her child? If you managed to hear frank answers, and not hidden under a mask because of fear of being subjected to universal condemnation, to this question of those women who decided to become pregnant only in order to keep a loved one next to him or to enter into a profitable marriage, or simply to give birth, that seems to be already the position and age of a woman to this oblige, you would be very much surprised.
And such women who gave birth to their child only because “it’s time” – a lot. And it’s not surprising – it’s very difficult to resist numerous relatives, friends and colleagues at work, who constantly bother with their questions: well, when already? Now a lot of talk about the fact that women have become absolutely free. And they can choose – how to live, when to marry, when to bear children.
However, in fact, unfortunately, this is not so. The mentality of people, which developed over the centuries, is very difficult to change in just a few years. And as a result, a woman is subjected to a constant psychological pressure of the type – do not want a child? Give birth, then you’ll figure it out. And she, succumbing to universal pressure, really give birth to a baby. Fortunately, the feeling of motherhood and love for the child in most cases comes even during pregnancy, at the worst – soon after childbirth.
But sometimes it happens that a woman realizes with horror that she does not really love her child. As a rule, she herself understands that such feelings are wrong and shameful, and therefore carefully conceals them. From the side, such a woman seems to be an absolutely exemplary and exemplary woman.
And besides, even among those women who are pregnant consciously, and seemingly as well as at their own will, there are many who do not realize that they are not yet ready to become mothers and fulfill their natural destiny. They give birth to a child and then become very surprised, discovering that the same all-absorbing maternal love does not rush to them at all.
So what should these women do? Openly admit that they do not love their children? However, it is almost impossible to do this. If the children who are abused by dysfunctional parents who abuse alcohol or drugs, which are very numerous in orphanages in our huge homeland, the society has long been accustomed to, and almost does not react, then such recognition from a completely successful woman will certainly cause a strong resonance . Women understand this and are silent. And as a result, not only they themselves suffer, but also. what is most terrible, their children.
After all, even if a woman will hold fast to herself, and in no way show her displeasure or irritation, the child will sooner or later still feel the indifference and coldness of her mother. And this will not pass without a trace for his psyche in any case.
Contact a psychologist
If this is the case, and you are in a similar situation, try to find the strength and courage in yourself, and apply this problem to a good experienced psychologist. At first glance, a woman might think that no one can help her in this case, that’s why she does not turn to specialists.
In fact, this is not so. It seems to you that you are confused, you can not understand how you will live further, how to treat a child, how to behave. Fortunately, almost all women in this situation perfectly understand that the child is not to blame for the fact that he was born. And, needless to say, they begin to experience a strong sense of guilt and remorse because they can not give the child a mother’s affection and love.
It goes without saying that such experiences and negative emotions poison the life of a young mother very much. And she, at the level of the subconscious, begins to feel even more dislike towards the child – because it is because of him that the woman feels the strongest moral discomfort. The child, feeling the dislike of his mother, begins to be capricious even more, making the woman nervous. It turns out to be a real vicious circle, which will be extremely difficult to break, but it is almost impossible on its own.
An experienced psychologist will help a woman to fully understand her feelings, thoughts and emotions, put them on the shelves. And with the ordered emotions it is much easier to work, and the woman herself will be much easier. Even if the psychologist can not make you understand that the child is the most valuable and valuable thing that you have in life, together you can surely work out the most correct line of your behavior, which will become the least painful for you and your child.
And, by the way, do not be afraid of a psychologist! Very often women do not turn to him only because they are afraid of publicity. But after all, a psychologist is exactly the same doctor as any other: a surgeon, a gynecologist, a therapist. And such a concept, as a medical secret, is not an empty phrase for a psychologist. A woman can be absolutely sure that no one of her words will go beyond the cabinet.
Continue to live on
Be that as it may, life continues – and you will have to live with your child for many years. And since in your tandem you are an adult and reasonable person, then you will have to make every effort to ensure that your coexistence is tolerable. And perhaps you will learn to enjoy having a child.
The first thing you need to do is take a leaf with a handle, and divide it into two parts. In one column write down all those disadvantages that have appeared in your life together with the birth of a child, and in the other – all the pluses. And compare them – as a rule, there are always more pluses. But even if there are only one or two positive moments, they exist. Often remember about them – perhaps it will become much easier for you.
If you are allowed material welfare, you can use the services of a nanny. If the upbringing of the baby is mostly done by it, the woman will be nervous and burdened by the presence of the child much less. Yes, and for a child it is much better to see once a day for half an hour a happy and contented mother than a round-the-clock long jerked and angry.
About breastfeeding in such situations it is necessary to talk separately. In the event that you can find the strength, try at least to breastfeed your child as long as possible. Probably, it is not worth explaining why this is so important for the child. And for the health of women, especially the first week after childbirth, breastfeeding is extremely useful – it helps the uterus to effectively reduce and prevent bleeding. And, in addition, it is often during breastfeeding that the most notorious maternal love comes. Who knows, maybe you will manage to fall in love with this baby, which still seems completely alien to you?
However, if you do not get it, do not blame yourself too much – a huge number of children grow up healthy and on artificial feeding. Absolutely no need to exhaust yourself if breastfeeding is really a burden to you. Sometimes such actions can further exacerbate the situation.
Probably, in the event that you really do not love your child, it will be most reasonable to approach his education, as to the most responsible work in his life. And you must do this work as best as possible. Thus, you will be able to create for the child a psychological atmosphere acceptable for a normal life, and stop experiencing the tormenting feeling of guilt before the child, yourself and the people around you.
It is difficult to say unequivocally how to really love children more correctly – blind, reckless love, which often only harms the child, or create for him the most optimal conditions, soberly and coldly thought out.
Of course, in any case, whether you love the child or not, it’s you who gave birth to him, and you bring him up. Try to take this fact as a reality. And believe me – sooner or later, but very likely that you realize how dear your child is to you. And in any case – your child after many years will always love you, no matter what!
We advise you to read: how to know that you are pregnant in the early days